Breast Cancer Awareness

October is here! Breast Cancer Awareness month! I love seeing all the pink everywhere. Any excuse I can find to buy something with the pink ribbon, I usually take it. I wish that all cancers were able to get the attention that breast cancer does. I hope that the research and treatment developments that these donations provide will benefit all.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for everyone to do monthly self-exams and to have your annual exams. Men too! I found the lump in my breast less than a month after my annual exam. I always did my self-exams shortly after I had my period, and during that exam I found the lump in my right breast. Know your body, keep track of symptoms and cycles, and be your own advocate.

One of the first things that I learned is that no one else is going to ask the questions or stand up for you. You have to be willing to do the research and make sure that you are truly comfortable with all of the options presented to you. When I was 18 my paternal grandmother's family was chosen for a breast cancer gene research project. We had a giant family reunion and anyone that wanted to be tested could be. I decided I wanted to be tested. A few months later I learned that I did carry the BRCA1 gene. This gene increased my lifetime risk to 75%!!! This is another reason I was diligent. However, I have heard many stories of women that had no history, no symptoms, and still discover a lump. Cancer has no restrictions. This was enormous information for an 18 year old to handle, and needless to say, I didn't. I kind of brushed it under the table. I met with a genetics specialist, but I can't tell you anything about that meeting. I sort of shut down because I didn't want to think about what all of this could mean. 75%! That is pretty much a guarantee! Not to mention, I put my children at a 50% risk of being carriers. While a son would not be as affected, a daughter would run the same lifetime risk. Could I do such a thing to my child? Was it worth it? All of these made me push it to the back of my mind.

Fast forward 8 years, the birth of my daughter. Someday we will discover if she inherited the gene and she too will be faced with the same challenges and decisions. I pray everyday that she does not have it. Then the gene will die with me, but if she does have it I hope that modern day medicine will save her the struggles that I faced.

Fast forward 2 more years, 28 years old finding a lump in my right breast. I knew. I knew the second I touched it. I knew that I had cancer, and that life was never going to be the same. I didn't need a biopsy, I didn't need a pathology report. I had been tracking every part of my body for 5 years trying to get pregnant. I knew something was wrong. It was an easy decision to have a double mastectomy. It made the most sense medically, but I never realized until after it happened that it made no sense as a woman. There was nothing left. Nothing but scars and "mounds", yuck! I hate that word "mounds"! I wish they would say the truth...these are the crappy replications we will attempt to make you comfortable with. We will put you through 3 surgeries to get them right and weekly saline fills into the metal ports we inserted under your skin, that hurts by the way, and then you will still feel like we failed you because they will NEVER be the same.

Despite my pity party I am grateful that I am here with my "mounds" (BLAH)! I always knew true beauty is on the inside and now everyday when I look in the mirror I have to remind myself of it. It gets easier. Some days I forget what once was, but on a few, now rare occasions, I still cry over my loss and wish things were different.

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
My aunt gave me a card while I was sick that had this saying on it and I kept it with me. It reminded me that I will get through this and I will be a better person because of it.