What I Lost

I have been looking through pictures of my daughter. I realized that I missed a lot while I was sick and recovering. She was at such a fun age (3 years old) and I missed 6 months of it! I hate that! She went through so much without really understanding what was going on. She would get upset because she had to leave home again or because Mommy wasn't feeling well. I remember we tried letting her stay home after a chemo session and it did not go well. I was sick in the bathroom and she walked in. The look of horror and terror on her face, I will never forget. She cried and cried, then of course I did the same. After that she went to Grandma and Grandpa's for about 4 days, during every treatment. She was absolutely amazing and still is.

My DH and I have been hoping for baby #2, but we aren't sure that is going to happen. We tried for 3 years to become pregnant with Tatum and we were in the process of trying again when I received my diagnosis. Now after chemo, everything appears to be working fine, but we have no idea what kind of damage was done. We will always try but we are starting to give into the idea that we will only have one child. That has been a very difficult pill to swallow. Of everything, that is what I am most angry about. I wanted to do everything to maintain my fertility, but it doesn't look as though it turned out that way. I ended up needing stronger medications then originally thought and I am sure they destroyed quite a bit. I am so saddened by this reality. Maybe adoption will be an option down the road, we shall see. I wish almost everyday that something will change but it hasn't. Hopefully someday...