Questions Asked and Answered

Still on Mouse watch!! I have convinced myself that the neighbors' giant tom cats ate it, but I am sure it will rear it's ugly head one of these days.

Anyways, 2 questions have been asked of me and I am here to try to answer them. Actually they were submitted by my sister. I find this very interesting because I feel like I tell her everything,so it made me realize how introverted I was during this whole process (probably not the healthiest thing).

Question 1) Which was harder losing my hair or my boobs?

That is an excellent question and not a simple answer. Losing my breasts was difficult, but something that I could wrap my head around. One of my favorite t-shirts I have seen for breast cancer survivors is "Yes, these are fake. The real ones tried to kill me"! My head understood that if I kept my breasts then eventually they might kill me. So easy answer, get rid of them. Not to say that the decision wasn't difficult, it just was much more logical for me.

Now, losing my hair compounded with so many things. I had just had MAJOR surgery (approx. 7 hours) and reconstruction. I was still having pain from recovery and dealing with fills for my implants. Then I had the joy of going through my first chemo, which was horrible. As previously described, I was miserable. Crying on the bathroom floor, thinking I was going to die, sleeping all the time, completely physically and emotionally drained. Then while sitting, watching tv, clumps of hair started coming out in my hands. That's when I knew I had to shave it off. I knew it was coming and I prepared myself for that, and I did fine having it shaved off. But when I got home and looked in the mirror, I realized I was no longer a woman. I was now a manish form of myself. I had lost all of my womanhood (except for my uterus) and I completely broke down.

So, because of the combination of everything, losing my hair was the hardest.

Question 2) When did I finally go into fighter mode?

This too is an excellent question (my sis is really impressing me with these). Again not an exact answer. I don't really remember a moment when I said, "enough of the pity party, it's time to fight." I had always on some level prepared myself that at some point in my life this would probably be a battle I would face. I was hoping I would catch it early and not have to endure chemo and everything, but that was not the hand I was dealt. When I was first diagnosed, it was a huge blow. All of the fears surfaced, death, leaving my child without a mother, leaving my husband,etc...
As soon as I was able I had to push those fears to the side and focus on my options and try to make the best decisions without fear or doubts. I had to be confident in what I was deciding to do. So, when I was waiting for the next appointment or step, it was easy to push those fears down and focus on what was next. Even, through my surgery I was ok. That was more dealing with pain and being uncomfortable. But, just like I said before I had wrapped myself around the idea that it needed to be done for survival. Chemo was a much different story. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. I HATE being sick, so the thought of being sick for a very long time, made me very upset. I worried about how I was going to be a mother and wife, while I was going through all of it. I was definitely in a pity party for the first couple treatments. There were days when I could barely move, mostly because of the chemo, but also because I was crippled by the fear and depression that seeps in from always being sick. Around treatment 4, the weather got nicer, and I started focusing on getting through the first couple days and then getting out into the sunshine. Even if I only made it down the block, I felt better just breathing fresh air and moving. That was when my fighter mode really kicked in. I think I finally realized that I was going to make it to the other side if I just kept going strong. I started looking toward the Komen walk and knowing that when that day came, I would be through the worst of my LAST chemo and I would be an official SURVIVOR!!!

Thanks for the wonderful questions, sister! If anyone else has anymore, please let me know. I am happy to answer anything. Nothing is too personal, I promise.